Help me understand

You have no idea how many times I started to write a blog post about our president. It starts with a paragraph or two, sometimes three, and it gets deleted. I delete it because my intent isn’t to argue with those of you who so adamantly support him.  So, I’m going to make it very simple. The example our president is setting is troubling.

Although I don’t have any historical data to back up my claim, I can say I never saw anything like this in my life time. We have a man in the oval office, who, doesn’t seem to have a clue about what it means to behave as the President of the United States. This has nothing to do with how intelligent he is or isn’t, whether or not he is a good businessman or his past success in branding or television. This is about what I feel it means to be president.

When I was younger something happened that changed the way I look at things. Without mentioning names or details, a pastor at my church was excommunicated and asked to leave. It had to do with a “sin” his wife committed and not him. I questioned why “he” was asked to relinquish his post when he wasn’t the one who committed the “crime”. The head elder of the church said, “If a pastor cannot control his own family then he can’t be expected to lead a congregation.” I found that very odd. It wasn’t his fault, right?

Now, years later, although I still don’t agree with that particular decision, I understand it. There are professions, positions in our society that require a person to be above the fray. I can think of a few examples where it would be appropriate. A parent, teacher, a preacher and yes, a politician must strive to be better than the rest of us. These are positions where setting an example is paramount. Am I right?

If a parent is seen making disparaging comments about someone they are frowned upon. If a teacher makes sexist comments they are reprimanded and sometimes fired. If a preacher is seen as not having control of his own family, he can be excommunicated. Why then, isn’t this president held to the same standard? I’m really trying to understand why people still support him?

My question has nothing to do with our president’s business acumen, his interest in making American great again or his straight talk. It has everything to do with the example he has been presenting to us and the world. If his type of behavior wouldn’t be acceptable in our own communities and homes, why is it okay for our president? If you choose to respond, please don’t disparage me. I’m not seeking hyperbole or “stump” statements about what’s wrong with our country. I’m really trying to understand why some of you are able to rationalize his behavior as acceptable.

Thoughts

I’m not going to say a word about politics.  I’m not going to say a word about new gun laws or regulation. Although looking back at what I just typed I did mention those words. But that’s just it, they’re only words. And words only have power if we let them.

I’ve written before about my Mom’s motto, “Sticks and stones will break your bones but names will never hurt you.” But she also used to say, “Actions speak louder than words.” Of course my smart aleck Dad would jokingly say, “Do as I say not as I do.” But there is truth in that saying as well.  Well I think there is.

You and I’ve both watched people who say one thing and do another. Although I’ve been that guy too! I wouldn’t say I knowingly was acting in a way contrary to what I preached but I know there have been times when my actions didn’t match what I was saying. Growing up in a fundamentalist Christian household that was always a big no-no. Mom would say things like, “You can’t very well act one way in church on Sunday then turn around and act another way the other six days of the week.” I tried to do that Mom, I really did.  Actually, I still do, which is the point of this seemingly pointless blog entry.

Today, a friend asked for advice on how to handle stress.  She was seeking a way to deal with a common problem so many people face. Years ago stress brought me to my knees. I would get so anxiety ridden I’d have dizzy spells, hyperventilate, get sick, lose weight, lose my appetite and generally lose the ability to function. I was prescribed different types of anti-anxiety medication but it didn’t seem to do any good. Then one night I was sitting watching PBS and there was a guy on there talking about me. Okay, he may not have been talking about me but his words were most definitely speaking to me. I went out the next day and purchased the book “The Power of Intention” by Dr. Wayne Dyer. I read it once, studied it the second time through and finally started applying some of it to my life. It was pretty amazing. I won’t go into detail about the contents but one lesson I do my best to apply each and every day is, “If we change our thoughts we change our lives.” It seemed simple enough but boy it’s a difficult task to achieve.

Perhaps it has to do with our amazing minds. We have the ability to recall so many emotions from our past. Unfortunately for many of us, we also recall many times in lives we would rather forget. I was however, challenged to think back to those unfortunate events, my subsequent reactions and my eventual response. And when I thought about them, I realized that many of the negative emotions I associated with those things didn’t solve anything.  My frustration, regret, anger, sadness, envy or worry only made those events and my memory of them more painful. So why think of them that way?

I decided to make it my lifelong goal to change the way I look at things, the change way I remember things and to change the way I respond to things. For nearly 12 years now I’ve adopted this new way of life, and even though I still drop the ball once in a while, I can honestly say my life is so much simpler. I’m not going to pretend that my initial responses to things aren’t sometimes negative because they do.  However, I’m now able to have those feelings and then turn my thoughts to something positive. I challenge you to the same.

Let’s say you’re on Facebook and someone posts something that offends you. Your first instinct is to write something back like, “How dare you say something like that?”  Or perhaps, “I can’t believe you feel that way?”  What happens when you respond in that matter usually creates a long thread of back and forth negative comments that really go nowhere and only serves to get two or more parties really upset.  *Heavy sigh* Just today I read numerous Facebook posts that evoked a lot of negative thoughts in my head. Some part of me wanted to shout at them for saying such awful things, but I quickly realized it wouldn’t solve anything; not really. So, I read the post, felt some negative emotions, I hid the post from my timeline and moved on. I felt relieved knowing I didn’t allow myself to get pulled into that negative stream of consciousness. And that’s what it is. And it doesn’t only happen on social media. It happens every day in real life as well.

Which takes me back to words and my friend who is stressed out; heck even the word stressed out makes me stressed.  J Actually it no longer has that effect on me. I guess I just don’t look at it that way any longer, or more accurately I don’t think of it that way anymore.  I am in no way trying to belittle someone’s right to get worked up about something. We all do it from time to time. We are after all, human beings. By all means, feel those feelings we are so blessed to possess. But we just shouldn’t dwell on them. It’s damaging to our minds, our bodies and our souls. Plus, life is too damn short to spend “stressed out”. So instead, when we’re feeling stressed we can ask ourselves what exactly is it that is stressing us out in the first place? Is it something that is beyond our control? Is it a possible negative scenario our mind has created to keep us in that stressed out zone? I found over the past 12 years that in most cases all amount of stress in the world, all the worry, all the freaking out over something that I was certain was the end all of my existence was indeed…not. Getting worked up never solved anything it only made it worse.

So words…yes those sometimes hateful, thoughtless, useless, demeaning, argumentative words…yea they aren’t cool.  But people say them all the time don’t they? And those too only have power over our emotions if we let them. When I read those things or hear them come out of people’s lips I shake my head and think, “Now why would they say such a thing?” Then I think, “I hope they find they peace they need some day.” And you know what? I feel better!

When I started writing this I had every intention on concentrating on “actions speak louder than words”. Guess I just wrote some of these words so I better start putting them into action huh?

Namaste

I hope this has a point…

“She’s a liberal! That’s why she says those things!”, the man exclaimed on the cable news network. “They all have their head in the sand because they don’t want to hear the truth”, was the follow-up. As I watched and heard this banter my mind went to the word chosen to describe this person. She was labeled a liberal. We’ve been trained how to respond to that word through years of conditioning. If ours is a conservative background our defense mechanism kicks in and we already discount any logical points raised in the discussion by this person. If we’ve been indoctrinated with a liberal education we tend to take what this liberal person says without question. Growing up in a household with a republican mother and a democratic father I’ve been exposed to both. Are there always two sides to everything? Or could there be many ways to see things? The news commentator said this liberal didn’t want to hear the truth. Politicians, Legal professionals, Educators and Religious speakers love that word. But whose truth are we talking about? I decided to get some literal definitions of these words and see if I can make some sense out of this.

Let’s look at the word liberal in Merriam-Webster’s dictionary.

1. Of, relating to, or based on the liberal arts
2. Marked by generosity; given or provided in a generous, open-handed way
3. Lacking moral restraint obsolete
4. Not literal or strict.
5. Broad-minded; especially: not bound by authoritarianism, orthodoxy, or traditional forms.
6. Of, favoring, or based upon the principles of liberalism; Capitalized: of or constituting a political party advocating or associated with the principles of political liberalism.

Here’s Merriam-Webster’s definition of truth.

1. Sincerity in action or character,
2. The state of being the case, the body of real things, events and facts, a transcendent fundamental of spiritual reality, a judgment, proposition, or idea that is true or accepted as true, the body of true statements and propositions,
3. The property of being in accord with fact or reality, fidelity to an original or to a standard,
4. In accordance with fact.

As I suspected these two words have many different meanings. And depending who’s saying them, where they are said, and how they are uttered can make all the difference. Human beings have the gift of speech. Words can be beautiful and be uplifting and loving avenues that lead to positive outcomes. But they can also be hurtful, disconcerting, evil and deceiving. We tend to use words to label others. We put people into a category using words that are aligned with our belief system. A belief system that automatically puts us at odds with anything that questions those beliefs. I’m labeled a compassionate, loving man by some, and others an unrealistic dreamer who doesn’t live in the real world. When people ask me questions about what I think or feel it takes me a long time to answer. I don’t like labeling myself because as soon as I say a word, people automatically have a opinion based on their truth. I do it too. And I don’t like the fact that my brain categorizes in that way. So I’ve challenged myself to stop labeling people. I’m going to choose my words carefully. If I know a person I’m speaking too has a different belief system from me, I will simply say, “you may not want to hear what I think on that matter.” If they press me, I will say, “I will tell you, but realize I am not attacking you in any way. It’s okay that we don’t see eye to eye on all things.” What I will not do is label myself by a politcal party or religious affiliation.

When asked if I am proud to be an American I quote my mother when she used to say, “pride commeth before the fall.” It’s a genuine human emotion to feel a sense of accomplishment or to feel good about people who achieve great things. But if that feeling separates us from other human beings than I say it isn’t good. Yes, I was born and reside in America so therefore I am an American. But being an American doesn’t make me any better than any other human being with a different nationality.

Even now I’m sure if one of you is reading this you already have an opinion about my beliefs and have, in your own way, labeled me. I understand because our minds always try to make sense out of things that are either different than us or question our belief system. But I truly feel the problems in the world today are human problems. Too long we’ve used words to categorize people, who in many ways are just like us. But because they don’t talk like us, look like us, behave like us, believe like us and act like us we discount them. And that’s just not a nice thing to do.

As a baby we are open to all. In in a few short years we are taught what is good and what is bad. As we get older we are taught who to listen to and who not to listen too. And most times, but not always, we carry those rules into adulthood. And because of that, we must be careful what words we use and what labels we apply to people. Because like us, other people have a belief system too.

Alright, back to our liberal who doesn’t know the truth in the beginning of this short essay. She was indoctrinated with a belief system and it is her choice to feels. The same goes for the news anchor who feels a different way. The truth that is spoken is also relative. And it is obvious that both of their truths are different. So when this impasse is reached we must seek out facts. Things the are indisputable. Are their such things?

Perhaps it’s a good idea for all human beings to install a fact checker on ourselves. When I did it to myself I quickly found out that many of my beliefs were just that; beliefs. They weren’t based on indisputable fact but rather years of conditioning. That doesn’t mean they are false because they are very true to me but what is fact?

I am human. I am male. I am flawed. I love. These facts can be proven by scientific fact or by my actions. As far as my beliefs go…well, I’ll gladly share those beliefs with you if asked.

Be Nice

My heart hurts sometimes. I will never truly understand why some human beings feel the need to say horrible things about other human beings. I’m sure the right person could find psychological reasons why it happens. But all I can think of is, “can’t we just be nice to each other despite our differences?”

“Be Nice”, my mother would say as she caught me arguing with a friend over a toy. “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”, she’d calmly exclaim as she overheard me saying negative things about others. And of course my Mom could always be heard saying, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” I was sitting here today, thinking about being nice, what I say, and how I treat others and I’ve been reflecting on those things Mom told me. When she said ‘be nice’ I’m not always sure she meant, BE nice. Usually it was a reprimand whose intent was to stop me from acting up. When she talked about ‘not having anything nice to say’, that comment too was intended to stop me from spouting negative comments about a person. I’m not saying she didn’t say those things out of love but her words were said more as punishment than teaching. Or was it? We have to be very careful not only with the words we say but how we say them. I’m not sure I really heard her when she repeated those words to me over and over. They were usually accompanied by a stern look, a wagging of the finger, and possibly a crossing of the arms. That meant I was in trouble. Did those words have a positive effect on me or a negative one? Well the fact that some 40+ years later I’m still thinking about them certainly lends credence to the fact they had an impact on me. I’m sure when she said ‘be nice’ she was feeling ‘why is he acting like that? I didn’t raise him to be mean. Oh, isn’t that disappointing.’ When she said, ‘if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all’ she was probably thinking, ‘now why would he say such a thing? Why is he being that way? I didn’t raise him like that.’ At least that’s what I think she might have been feeling and thinking. That’s the way I interpreted it anyway. So in my mind, I disappointed her over and over again. Every time she said those words to me I felt like I couldn’t do anything right. I think it was a situation where her words didn’t necessarily match her behavior or emotions at the time. It took many years to understand my Mom just wanted me to be good, kind, humble, giving and thoughtful. And what I learned is no amount of meaningful reprimands from her could teach me that. But she did with her own actions. The one sentence that truly hit home with me was, ‘do unto others as you would have them do unto you.’ That one made sense to my 10 year old mind and it still does today because it involves our “selves”. We do not want to be treated badly so why would we do that to other people. We know how we feel when someone says bad things to us why would we want to make others feel bad. But my Mom didn’t need to say those words, she lived them every day. Oh, there is another lesson mom repeated over the years, ‘actions speak louder than words’. And her actions taught me everything I needed to know about kindness, humility, charity and thoughtfulness.

So what is the moral of this story? Well, to use another one of my Mom’s sayings, “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” Those words never really made me feel better when I heard them but I know she meant well. I’m sure she was hurt when I was hurt and sometimes we don’t know how to help the ones we love. The truth is words can’t hurt us. But the intent, the actions, the emotions and the behavior accompanying them can. Sometimes even when we think we’re saying something nice our mannerisms can be perceived as something completely different. It’s a lot to think about when we are having a conversation with someone. Occasionally it’s best not to say anything at all. Especially if what you are planning on saying doesn’t match what’s in your heart. People can tell.

I think all of this is coming up now because I’m playing a troubled a Reverend in my current production whose actions do not match his words. My character doesn’t even believe what he is saying even though he expects others to do so. And I think that’s true for a lot us sometimes. Which is why now I’m making a concerted effort to try to match my behavior with my words. And never, ever do I want to say anything to purposefully hurt someone else. I want to make all my words positive and never negative. I truly think that’s what it means to ‘be nice’, to hear the words ‘if you don’t have don’t anything nice to say don’t say anything at all’, and putting into practice ‘treating others as you want to be treated.  Which is why now I truly understand another thing Mom used to say.  When I’d ask her she was doing or feeling she’d sometimes laugh and say, “I’m a work in progress.”  Me too Mom…me too.