Help me understand

You have no idea how many times I started to write a blog post about our president. It starts with a paragraph or two, sometimes three, and it gets deleted. I delete it because my intent isn’t to argue with those of you who so adamantly support him.  So, I’m going to make it very simple. The example our president is setting is troubling.

Although I don’t have any historical data to back up my claim, I can say I never saw anything like this in my life time. We have a man in the oval office, who, doesn’t seem to have a clue about what it means to behave as the President of the United States. This has nothing to do with how intelligent he is or isn’t, whether or not he is a good businessman or his past success in branding or television. This is about what I feel it means to be president.

When I was younger something happened that changed the way I look at things. Without mentioning names or details, a pastor at my church was excommunicated and asked to leave. It had to do with a “sin” his wife committed and not him. I questioned why “he” was asked to relinquish his post when he wasn’t the one who committed the “crime”. The head elder of the church said, “If a pastor cannot control his own family then he can’t be expected to lead a congregation.” I found that very odd. It wasn’t his fault, right?

Now, years later, although I still don’t agree with that particular decision, I understand it. There are professions, positions in our society that require a person to be above the fray. I can think of a few examples where it would be appropriate. A parent, teacher, a preacher and yes, a politician must strive to be better than the rest of us. These are positions where setting an example is paramount. Am I right?

If a parent is seen making disparaging comments about someone they are frowned upon. If a teacher makes sexist comments they are reprimanded and sometimes fired. If a preacher is seen as not having control of his own family, he can be excommunicated. Why then, isn’t this president held to the same standard? I’m really trying to understand why people still support him?

My question has nothing to do with our president’s business acumen, his interest in making American great again or his straight talk. It has everything to do with the example he has been presenting to us and the world. If his type of behavior wouldn’t be acceptable in our own communities and homes, why is it okay for our president? If you choose to respond, please don’t disparage me. I’m not seeking hyperbole or “stump” statements about what’s wrong with our country. I’m really trying to understand why some of you are able to rationalize his behavior as acceptable.

Walk A Mile In My Shoes

What you are about to read is how I feel. It is not meant to offend anyone. But I felt compelled to share what’s in my heart. 🙂

Many years ago, I worked for a conservative news/talk radio station in the Wilkes Barre/Scranton area. I wasn’t a talk show host, but I sold advertising. On this station we had guys like Rush Limbaugh who, at the time, was an incredibly highly rated program. Businesses were flocking to pay the highest rates to run ads on his show. I listened to Rush faithfully when I was on the road and honestly, so much of what he said rang true. Yes, I realized he was an entertainer first and foremost, but I was generally agreeing with most of his views. There was also a talk show hosted by Tom Leykis. His was a left leaning show that was basically the antithesis of Rush Limbaugh. I listened to his show quite a bit as well. And what I found out but listening to both of those individuals was interesting. Both gentlemen, although spinning rhetoric to get ratings, had some incredibly valid points. And both truly believed in what they were saying.

I will never begin to pretend that I know what the answer is. But now more than ever there exists an us versus them mentally in American politics. I guess it always existed but now because of twitter, Facebook and other social networking sites we see it more than ever. It’s ugly isn’t it? I see pictures of people with their veins popping out of their neck. I see hateful signs held by people whose only goal is to incite “the other side”. What the heck has happened to us? I put up a post yesterday that was purely non-partisan because I found a website that I thought was pretty cool and one of my friends decided to make it partisan. No, I wasn’t offended in any way because human beings have the ability to feel and believe what they want. But my heart sank a little because I wasn’t trying to start an argument. If you are a Trump supporter, God bless you. You know your heart and have your reasons for wanting him to be our next president.  And if he happens to get into office, America will not crumble. If you are a Clinton supporter, God bless you. You too have your reasons for wanting to see her run the Executive branch of our government. And if she does, America will not crumble. However, if we cannot get along and appreciate each other’s differences of opinion America will suffer. There will always be debate in this country. There will always be valid reasons to support many different approaches to solve our countries problems. But I can’t help but feel our problem is that we don’t listen to each other anymore. My views are based on my experiences and yours are based on your experiences; plain and simple.

I’ve failed miserably many times to see the world through others eyes, but I’m truly going to make a concerted effort to be more empathetic to those who see things differently than me.

Finally, all of this reminded me of a great song from the early 70’s. Take a moment and listen to the lyrics.  They’re pretty cool.  Lots of love to you all!

Walk A Mile In My Shoes – Joe South

Thoughts

I’m not going to say a word about politics.  I’m not going to say a word about new gun laws or regulation. Although looking back at what I just typed I did mention those words. But that’s just it, they’re only words. And words only have power if we let them.

I’ve written before about my Mom’s motto, “Sticks and stones will break your bones but names will never hurt you.” But she also used to say, “Actions speak louder than words.” Of course my smart aleck Dad would jokingly say, “Do as I say not as I do.” But there is truth in that saying as well.  Well I think there is.

You and I’ve both watched people who say one thing and do another. Although I’ve been that guy too! I wouldn’t say I knowingly was acting in a way contrary to what I preached but I know there have been times when my actions didn’t match what I was saying. Growing up in a fundamentalist Christian household that was always a big no-no. Mom would say things like, “You can’t very well act one way in church on Sunday then turn around and act another way the other six days of the week.” I tried to do that Mom, I really did.  Actually, I still do, which is the point of this seemingly pointless blog entry.

Today, a friend asked for advice on how to handle stress.  She was seeking a way to deal with a common problem so many people face. Years ago stress brought me to my knees. I would get so anxiety ridden I’d have dizzy spells, hyperventilate, get sick, lose weight, lose my appetite and generally lose the ability to function. I was prescribed different types of anti-anxiety medication but it didn’t seem to do any good. Then one night I was sitting watching PBS and there was a guy on there talking about me. Okay, he may not have been talking about me but his words were most definitely speaking to me. I went out the next day and purchased the book “The Power of Intention” by Dr. Wayne Dyer. I read it once, studied it the second time through and finally started applying some of it to my life. It was pretty amazing. I won’t go into detail about the contents but one lesson I do my best to apply each and every day is, “If we change our thoughts we change our lives.” It seemed simple enough but boy it’s a difficult task to achieve.

Perhaps it has to do with our amazing minds. We have the ability to recall so many emotions from our past. Unfortunately for many of us, we also recall many times in lives we would rather forget. I was however, challenged to think back to those unfortunate events, my subsequent reactions and my eventual response. And when I thought about them, I realized that many of the negative emotions I associated with those things didn’t solve anything.  My frustration, regret, anger, sadness, envy or worry only made those events and my memory of them more painful. So why think of them that way?

I decided to make it my lifelong goal to change the way I look at things, the change way I remember things and to change the way I respond to things. For nearly 12 years now I’ve adopted this new way of life, and even though I still drop the ball once in a while, I can honestly say my life is so much simpler. I’m not going to pretend that my initial responses to things aren’t sometimes negative because they do.  However, I’m now able to have those feelings and then turn my thoughts to something positive. I challenge you to the same.

Let’s say you’re on Facebook and someone posts something that offends you. Your first instinct is to write something back like, “How dare you say something like that?”  Or perhaps, “I can’t believe you feel that way?”  What happens when you respond in that matter usually creates a long thread of back and forth negative comments that really go nowhere and only serves to get two or more parties really upset.  *Heavy sigh* Just today I read numerous Facebook posts that evoked a lot of negative thoughts in my head. Some part of me wanted to shout at them for saying such awful things, but I quickly realized it wouldn’t solve anything; not really. So, I read the post, felt some negative emotions, I hid the post from my timeline and moved on. I felt relieved knowing I didn’t allow myself to get pulled into that negative stream of consciousness. And that’s what it is. And it doesn’t only happen on social media. It happens every day in real life as well.

Which takes me back to words and my friend who is stressed out; heck even the word stressed out makes me stressed.  J Actually it no longer has that effect on me. I guess I just don’t look at it that way any longer, or more accurately I don’t think of it that way anymore.  I am in no way trying to belittle someone’s right to get worked up about something. We all do it from time to time. We are after all, human beings. By all means, feel those feelings we are so blessed to possess. But we just shouldn’t dwell on them. It’s damaging to our minds, our bodies and our souls. Plus, life is too damn short to spend “stressed out”. So instead, when we’re feeling stressed we can ask ourselves what exactly is it that is stressing us out in the first place? Is it something that is beyond our control? Is it a possible negative scenario our mind has created to keep us in that stressed out zone? I found over the past 12 years that in most cases all amount of stress in the world, all the worry, all the freaking out over something that I was certain was the end all of my existence was indeed…not. Getting worked up never solved anything it only made it worse.

So words…yes those sometimes hateful, thoughtless, useless, demeaning, argumentative words…yea they aren’t cool.  But people say them all the time don’t they? And those too only have power over our emotions if we let them. When I read those things or hear them come out of people’s lips I shake my head and think, “Now why would they say such a thing?” Then I think, “I hope they find they peace they need some day.” And you know what? I feel better!

When I started writing this I had every intention on concentrating on “actions speak louder than words”. Guess I just wrote some of these words so I better start putting them into action huh?

Namaste

I Love You

Have you ever followed a thread on someone’s Facebook comment and thought of many things to say in reply? Have you had a reply, decided not to post it, and moved on feeling helpless? Since this political season has started that has happened to me too many times to mention. Since the tragedy in Orlando and the posts that have followed, it’s happened again.  Honestly, I can count at least 30 times I didn’t post a response to something.  Why?

Can anyone change a person’s mind? Can a meme, a blog entry, a video or a speech alter a human beings innermost beliefs? I’m not so sure. In my case, I wouldn’t post something on social media unless it was something I feel strongly about. You all know I’m a lover not a fighter and I strive to seek silver linings in every gray cloud. I’ve stopped myself several times from posting things I believe in because in many cases I feel it will fall on deaf ears. I would love my Facebook friends to digest what I say and, at the least, consider an alternate view from the one they currently hold. But for the most part I’m very well aware I’m preaching to the choir. However, in the light of everything I’ve read, listened to and watched the past few days I’m going to try one more time.

Perhaps if we strip all the heated arguments down to the barest emotions we can all find something to agree on. So I ask all of you, “Do you love?”  It can be a spouse, partner, friend or family member but can you say you love them? I think most of us can say yes we do, have and can love someone unconditionally. And for the most part, that feels pretty good. So I think it’s safe to conclude we all have the capacity to love. Now, the second question is, “Do you hate?” It can be a spouse, partner, friend or family member but can you say you hate them? I think most of us have a much more difficult time committing to truly “hating” someone. We may hate someone’s views or actions but really hating someone isn’t as easy. And if you do hate someone it usually doesn’t feel very good. From personal experience and many trips to a psychiatrist I learned just how detrimental hating someone can be to my overall health. Can we all agree that hating isn’t a good thing? If you answered no to that question then I suggest you not continue reading but if you answered yes than I invite you to continue on.

If we are all aware loving is good and hating is bad than why we do spend so many hours spewing hateful rhetoric in person and on social networks? I can guarantee hateful words are only revered by those who also hate and agree with what you are referring to. You are preaching to the choir. Similarly, loving words are dismissed by those who hate and lauded by those who, like you, love. So why do we spend so much time trying to change each other’s mind?

For me it is simply knowing that loving is a great way to live. I can remember the moment, like the turning on of a light bulb, when everything started making sense. It seems simple now but I realized that I can choose whether to love or hate, be happy or sad, trust or worry. I can choose whether I engage in a conversation or just listen. It is such a freeing way to live. The truth is, I read what some of my friends write regarding politics and most recently terrorism and despite the fact that it’s not how I feel I can, in some way, understand their views. They all have deeply entrenched beliefs on which to base all comments, solutions and actions. We all do. We can all spend hours debating one side or the other and there is enough empirical data to support almost every argument. The issue with these social networking debates is that for the most part the parties involved don’t want to hear the other side. They aren’t ready to hear anything that would make them question their life long, deeply held beliefs. And yes, I admit I do it too. So today I read many things that I don’t agree with but instead of dismissing them, I really made an effort to understand them objectively. I only required the following criteria: If what was said came from a negative, non-loving place I would move on. But if what was said came from a truly positive, loving, place than I paid attention. Here’s what I discovered.

I found myself agreeing with some of my Facebook friends I don’t normally agree with because their views come from an honest, loving intention. And their solutions don’t involve hateful, conspiratorial steps designed to divide rather than include. I also found myself disagreeing with some of my friends I normally agree with because their views were coming from a place of anger, fear and revenge. These solutions were divisive and were more designed to argue then solve.  Please understand, my entire reasoning was making a concerted effort to understand why all of us feel the way we do. I came to the conclusion that whenever things are said or suggested with negative emotions involved, solutions seldom follow.

I get emotional too.  And I’ve said and done many things I probably shouldn’t have. We’re human and it’s completely understandable. However, I can’t help but feel there is a real danger with arguing on social media. I say arguing instead of debating because one never involves a solution and the other may. I know if I spout my views about religious liberties, politics, hate crimes, terrorism, gun regulations and other hot topics, there will be those who jump in to tell me all the reasons my views are wrong.  I even know that some of those people will genuinely try to change my mind because they feel I’m lost in a sea of liberal thinking.  Others will triumphantly praise my comments with kudos and add negative comments about the other views.  But what’s the point? I honestly don’t know.

I performed in a serious of children’s plays years ago that were aimed at teaching children. The mantra that was emphasized in the shows (thanks Amanda) was Stop, Feel, Think & Act.  Let’s say a person insults us.  We should first Stop.  Before we say or do anything, just stop.  Then if we let what the person said sink in, let’s identify what we’re really feeling at that moment. At that point we can take what we’re feeling and decide if what we’re feeling is a direct result of what the person said, is it just something we feel all the time.  Finally, we can make a conscious choice whether to Act or not. After all the internal deliberation do we respond, or do we choose to take control of our own thoughts and emotions and walk away.  It seems simply right?  Oh but it isn’t.

I honestly do my best to apply that simple strategy to everything in my life.  I don’t always succeed but when I do I’m so much happier. What I find is, if I don’t immediately respond, I usually am able to deal with any negative comments much easier than if I allow myself to be offended, and therefore respond without thinking. That’s dangerous for all of us.

Here’s my truth. Everyone has an opinion.  Everyone has a reason they have those opinions.  Right or wrong we have to recognize every human being’s right to feel the way they do about things. But, when opinions stem from negative emotions of any kind, I recognize them, and let them go without giving them credence. In my soul I truly feel THAT is the issue facing not only Americans, but the human race. We’ve all lost the ability to just be. We’ve lost the ability to love others as we love ourselves. Please, please, please when a negative thought appears, replace it with a positive one.  When a negative word appears, replace it with a positive one or just don’t say anything at all. When a negative emotion appears, replace it with a positive one and smile, knowing you’re alive when so many more aren’t. When hate appears, replace it with love.

When some lost soul is spewing hate the only response is, I love you.

Willy Wonka for President

“If you want to view paradise, simply look around and view it. Anything you want to do it. Want to change the world, there’s nothing to it.” Those lyrics from the song Pure Imagination written by Leslie Bricusse and Anthony Newly were running through my head this morning. I’m sure it’s a direct result of what is occurring in our nation politically and my assertion that we can choose to see good in the world rather than bad.

There is a definite divide among the human beings on our planet. Put 100 humans in a room and you’ll get 100 different opinions. But where do those opinions come from? In many cases it’s where we were reared, how we were reared, our imprinting and our psychological make-up. But is it more than that?

Despite everything that’s been said by the Americans who are following the different candidates I always look for one thing; positivity. It’s so easy to fall into the trap of thinking everything is bad, and to lash out at people who don’t feel the way we do. But that is certainly not the formula for curing anything. What would happen if each of us actually listened to each other and we came at issues from a positive angle rather than negative?

This year I’ve chosen to listen. And surprisingly, each candidate has expressed things that I agree with. Yes, even Donald Trump has said things that rang true to me. I don’t think he’s a good choice for our presidency, but I do agree that corruption must be addressed. Honestly, when I watch him speak I have a lot of empathy for him. His insecurity is such that he needs to be liked, loved even. At his rallies when surrounded by those who worship him, his ego shines through and shouts of joy are heard when he spews his authoritarian rhetoric. But when he’s in a room with a diverse set of people, his ego is on the defensive because he isn’t being fed by followers. It’s sad to see.

No, I’m not about to say I saw this coming. But it doesn’t surprise me at all that in 2016 we have a presidential race that has be debased to the level of a reality television show. The candidates went there, the news outlets went there and the voters went there. Why did this happen now? Perhaps it’s because Americans and perhaps human beings in general don’t know what to believe in any longer.

This is what I believe in.

 I believe in equality.

Human beings of every color, sex, creed, size and sexual orientation deserve to be treated equally.

 I believe in hope.

Fear breeds despair, hate, greed, distrust, anger, worry, paranoia, envy and instigates rash decisions.

 I believe in positivity.

It isn’t weak to imagine a planet where love dominates. It isn’t weak to see human beings who are different than us as beautiful creations. It isn’t weak to know silver linings exist in the darkest clouds.

 I believe in love.

Hatred, fueled by fear, is the most detrimental human emotion. It is a cancer that erodes the very fabric of the human soul. Love of one’s self, others and the world is the only treatment to this disease of the troubled soul.

 I believe in a better world, with better people.

I will never start a revolution but I can change me. I will never attempt to attain public office but I will continue to attempt to attain internal peace. I will never make every American happy but I will be happy. I will never make everyone love me but I will make a concerted effort to love everyone I meet. My mind wants me to be hurt, offended and angered by what I see and hear the candidates do and say. But instead I’m focusing on my attention on the media outlets that repeat the sensationalized sound bites over and over. I’m also concentrating on the segment of humans who are pummeled with that rhetoric over and over. It is there the soul searching needs to begin. We human beings are all divine creations who will one day reach that point where we promote love instead of hate and a better world will emerge.

I believe in never agreeing with everyone all the time.

Diversity is the soul of civilization. I would never expect anyone to be like me. It’s true I don’t understand why some human beings feel the way they do about certain issues, but that’s the beautiful thing about the human condition. We are all born the same way, but our childhoods, our imprinting, our environments, our history are all different. That creates different views on issues we all feel passionate about. What’s important to me may not be important to you and vice versa. But what we all need do is embrace those differences and highlight the things we have in common. But we must do it with love.

 I believe in God.

This belief, this trust, this way of life is the nourishment that feeds my life’s journey. It’s not a religious commitment with laws and rules. It’s not a political tool used to sway people to live the way I do, it’s the engine that runs my soul.

I share my core beliefs because I refuse to allow the nasty, hurtful, hateful, fear-mongering political rhetoric to seep into my soul. The truth is I love each and everyone one of the human beings currently running for presidential nominations. I have tremendous empathy for each and every one of them. Each of them wants so badly to say the right thing, do the right thing and be the right thing. Because of that the democrat and republican candidates will attack each other, peddle hatred, fuel the fire of distrust and activate the id, ego and super ego of the American public. Despite all of that we will persevere if we look inward.

See good everywhere, in all things and in all people. That’s the way to change the world,”there nothing to it.”.

I hope this has a point…

“She’s a liberal! That’s why she says those things!”, the man exclaimed on the cable news network. “They all have their head in the sand because they don’t want to hear the truth”, was the follow-up. As I watched and heard this banter my mind went to the word chosen to describe this person. She was labeled a liberal. We’ve been trained how to respond to that word through years of conditioning. If ours is a conservative background our defense mechanism kicks in and we already discount any logical points raised in the discussion by this person. If we’ve been indoctrinated with a liberal education we tend to take what this liberal person says without question. Growing up in a household with a republican mother and a democratic father I’ve been exposed to both. Are there always two sides to everything? Or could there be many ways to see things? The news commentator said this liberal didn’t want to hear the truth. Politicians, Legal professionals, Educators and Religious speakers love that word. But whose truth are we talking about? I decided to get some literal definitions of these words and see if I can make some sense out of this.

Let’s look at the word liberal in Merriam-Webster’s dictionary.

1. Of, relating to, or based on the liberal arts
2. Marked by generosity; given or provided in a generous, open-handed way
3. Lacking moral restraint obsolete
4. Not literal or strict.
5. Broad-minded; especially: not bound by authoritarianism, orthodoxy, or traditional forms.
6. Of, favoring, or based upon the principles of liberalism; Capitalized: of or constituting a political party advocating or associated with the principles of political liberalism.

Here’s Merriam-Webster’s definition of truth.

1. Sincerity in action or character,
2. The state of being the case, the body of real things, events and facts, a transcendent fundamental of spiritual reality, a judgment, proposition, or idea that is true or accepted as true, the body of true statements and propositions,
3. The property of being in accord with fact or reality, fidelity to an original or to a standard,
4. In accordance with fact.

As I suspected these two words have many different meanings. And depending who’s saying them, where they are said, and how they are uttered can make all the difference. Human beings have the gift of speech. Words can be beautiful and be uplifting and loving avenues that lead to positive outcomes. But they can also be hurtful, disconcerting, evil and deceiving. We tend to use words to label others. We put people into a category using words that are aligned with our belief system. A belief system that automatically puts us at odds with anything that questions those beliefs. I’m labeled a compassionate, loving man by some, and others an unrealistic dreamer who doesn’t live in the real world. When people ask me questions about what I think or feel it takes me a long time to answer. I don’t like labeling myself because as soon as I say a word, people automatically have a opinion based on their truth. I do it too. And I don’t like the fact that my brain categorizes in that way. So I’ve challenged myself to stop labeling people. I’m going to choose my words carefully. If I know a person I’m speaking too has a different belief system from me, I will simply say, “you may not want to hear what I think on that matter.” If they press me, I will say, “I will tell you, but realize I am not attacking you in any way. It’s okay that we don’t see eye to eye on all things.” What I will not do is label myself by a politcal party or religious affiliation.

When asked if I am proud to be an American I quote my mother when she used to say, “pride commeth before the fall.” It’s a genuine human emotion to feel a sense of accomplishment or to feel good about people who achieve great things. But if that feeling separates us from other human beings than I say it isn’t good. Yes, I was born and reside in America so therefore I am an American. But being an American doesn’t make me any better than any other human being with a different nationality.

Even now I’m sure if one of you is reading this you already have an opinion about my beliefs and have, in your own way, labeled me. I understand because our minds always try to make sense out of things that are either different than us or question our belief system. But I truly feel the problems in the world today are human problems. Too long we’ve used words to categorize people, who in many ways are just like us. But because they don’t talk like us, look like us, behave like us, believe like us and act like us we discount them. And that’s just not a nice thing to do.

As a baby we are open to all. In in a few short years we are taught what is good and what is bad. As we get older we are taught who to listen to and who not to listen too. And most times, but not always, we carry those rules into adulthood. And because of that, we must be careful what words we use and what labels we apply to people. Because like us, other people have a belief system too.

Alright, back to our liberal who doesn’t know the truth in the beginning of this short essay. She was indoctrinated with a belief system and it is her choice to feels. The same goes for the news anchor who feels a different way. The truth that is spoken is also relative. And it is obvious that both of their truths are different. So when this impasse is reached we must seek out facts. Things the are indisputable. Are their such things?

Perhaps it’s a good idea for all human beings to install a fact checker on ourselves. When I did it to myself I quickly found out that many of my beliefs were just that; beliefs. They weren’t based on indisputable fact but rather years of conditioning. That doesn’t mean they are false because they are very true to me but what is fact?

I am human. I am male. I am flawed. I love. These facts can be proven by scientific fact or by my actions. As far as my beliefs go…well, I’ll gladly share those beliefs with you if asked.

Be Nice

My heart hurts sometimes. I will never truly understand why some human beings feel the need to say horrible things about other human beings. I’m sure the right person could find psychological reasons why it happens. But all I can think of is, “can’t we just be nice to each other despite our differences?”

“Be Nice”, my mother would say as she caught me arguing with a friend over a toy. “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”, she’d calmly exclaim as she overheard me saying negative things about others. And of course my Mom could always be heard saying, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” I was sitting here today, thinking about being nice, what I say, and how I treat others and I’ve been reflecting on those things Mom told me. When she said ‘be nice’ I’m not always sure she meant, BE nice. Usually it was a reprimand whose intent was to stop me from acting up. When she talked about ‘not having anything nice to say’, that comment too was intended to stop me from spouting negative comments about a person. I’m not saying she didn’t say those things out of love but her words were said more as punishment than teaching. Or was it? We have to be very careful not only with the words we say but how we say them. I’m not sure I really heard her when she repeated those words to me over and over. They were usually accompanied by a stern look, a wagging of the finger, and possibly a crossing of the arms. That meant I was in trouble. Did those words have a positive effect on me or a negative one? Well the fact that some 40+ years later I’m still thinking about them certainly lends credence to the fact they had an impact on me. I’m sure when she said ‘be nice’ she was feeling ‘why is he acting like that? I didn’t raise him to be mean. Oh, isn’t that disappointing.’ When she said, ‘if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all’ she was probably thinking, ‘now why would he say such a thing? Why is he being that way? I didn’t raise him like that.’ At least that’s what I think she might have been feeling and thinking. That’s the way I interpreted it anyway. So in my mind, I disappointed her over and over again. Every time she said those words to me I felt like I couldn’t do anything right. I think it was a situation where her words didn’t necessarily match her behavior or emotions at the time. It took many years to understand my Mom just wanted me to be good, kind, humble, giving and thoughtful. And what I learned is no amount of meaningful reprimands from her could teach me that. But she did with her own actions. The one sentence that truly hit home with me was, ‘do unto others as you would have them do unto you.’ That one made sense to my 10 year old mind and it still does today because it involves our “selves”. We do not want to be treated badly so why would we do that to other people. We know how we feel when someone says bad things to us why would we want to make others feel bad. But my Mom didn’t need to say those words, she lived them every day. Oh, there is another lesson mom repeated over the years, ‘actions speak louder than words’. And her actions taught me everything I needed to know about kindness, humility, charity and thoughtfulness.

So what is the moral of this story? Well, to use another one of my Mom’s sayings, “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” Those words never really made me feel better when I heard them but I know she meant well. I’m sure she was hurt when I was hurt and sometimes we don’t know how to help the ones we love. The truth is words can’t hurt us. But the intent, the actions, the emotions and the behavior accompanying them can. Sometimes even when we think we’re saying something nice our mannerisms can be perceived as something completely different. It’s a lot to think about when we are having a conversation with someone. Occasionally it’s best not to say anything at all. Especially if what you are planning on saying doesn’t match what’s in your heart. People can tell.

I think all of this is coming up now because I’m playing a troubled a Reverend in my current production whose actions do not match his words. My character doesn’t even believe what he is saying even though he expects others to do so. And I think that’s true for a lot us sometimes. Which is why now I’m making a concerted effort to try to match my behavior with my words. And never, ever do I want to say anything to purposefully hurt someone else. I want to make all my words positive and never negative. I truly think that’s what it means to ‘be nice’, to hear the words ‘if you don’t have don’t anything nice to say don’t say anything at all’, and putting into practice ‘treating others as you want to be treated.  Which is why now I truly understand another thing Mom used to say.  When I’d ask her she was doing or feeling she’d sometimes laugh and say, “I’m a work in progress.”  Me too Mom…me too.

Occupations

A couple of months agoI saw a report that unemployment is below 8 percent here in the United States.  According to experts that is still too high but the good news is the percentage keeps dropping.  And as often happens with me, that started a morning of researching employment in history.  Why do people do what they do?  Were there always jobs that people were paid to do?

The internet is full of scholarly articles on ancient occupations.  Since the beginning of time a person would discover an innate talent and they would use that talent to their benefit.  Some people were hunters.  Others were gatherers.  As issues arose in a tribe or group of people, solutions were created by the thinkers; problem solvers.  There were the artisans that created clothes, useful household items, even art.  And even though times were tough it seemed that people were using their talents to survive.  And yes, there were entertainers back then too!  It seems there were always those danced, sang and made people laugh.

No, this isn’t one of those posts about me loving what I do.  But it does contain my thoughts on how our society has changed.  I watch my news feed on Facebook and for the most part I see my friends and acquaintances dissatisfied with what they do for a living.  I had a boss tell me a long time ago, “If you wake up in the morning with a huge pit in your stomach caused by the thought of going into work, them maybe this isn’t what you are supposed to be doing.”  I’ve carried that with me over the years and I believe it still rings true.  I’ve been there, doing jobs that weren’t fulfilling just to make a paycheck.  And I agree, it’s not fun.  But what can we do?

Often over the years I’ve seen work doing by friends who have great talent.  A miserable businessman who makes incredible carpentry work on the side, a salesman who paints incredible pictures, even a computer guy who is a wonderful musician.  Well, the list goes on.  And I often say, “Wow, why don’t you do “that” for a living?”  The reply often sounds like, “Well, I certainly love to do “that” but how will I make enough money to live?”  Maybe I’m incredibly naive but I can’t see just doing something for a living because we need money to live.  We spend the majority of our 24 hours in a day working.  Doesn’t it make sense to doing something we love doing so it doesn’t feel like work?  Yes, there are hobbies that people enjoy on the side but wouldn’t it be cool if we could somehow turn that into a profession?

I’m not saying it’s easy but I know it can be done.  It makes my heart sink to see so many unhappy friends and family members doing things that don’t make them happy.  Yes, there are times we all have to do things we don’t necessarily like to do.  I’m sure even the basket weavers had to do things they didn’t want to do back in the day, but they were still basket weavers.

Did you ever get lost in something?  Did you ever get so caught up in writing, building, drawing, sewing, singing, or playing that time sped by so quickly you didn’t even realize it?  Whatever causes you to do that is a good sign that is something you love.  It’s a wonderful way to live doing what one loves.  I was just talking to a cast mate last night about a family I know who travel the country selling tie dyed clothing at music festivals.  And they love doing it.  What do you love doing?  🙂

My Best Friend

“How do I know if she’s the one”, he asked?  I replied earnestly, “Can you imagine a day without her?”  An interaction I’ve had with several people over the years.  My “can you imagine” question was created basically as a way to change my typical “you just do” answer.  The latter always seemed to precipitate a groan from the person.  But it is so true.  I can’t explain it.  That night over 16 years ago when I first saw her was unlike anything I ever experienced.  It was very different.  I just knew.  Even then I couldn’t imagine a day with her.  And tomorrow after celebrating 16 years of marriage I still can’t imagine it.

Because we both follow our hearts and do what we love to do, we spend several months a year away from each other.  But honestly, that’s only our physicalness (I know that’s not a word).  She’s always with me.  And I’m always with her.  There’s a support system in place that supersedes everything else.  We’re each other’s best friend and that is important.  When we do get that chance to spend time together, it’s even more special.  And honestly, it’s just being her presence that fills my spirit.

My best friend just came to spend some time with me and, as always, we had a wonderful time together.  That beautiful, familiar face smiled at me and that non-spoken connection flourished.  And it is a connection.  When we met, and we married 4 months later, many naysayers balked.  So in response I wrote a song.  And the chorus still rings true.

“Do what you do.  Not, what “they” say

Stop looking for love, it’ll come your way

Like a powerful storm, without warning it strikes

Filling your heart with its glorious might.”

My best friend and I even wrote a song together.  We’d both been married before and this time, the 2nd time, it would be the one.  The lyrics were a road map…

“This story is true, yet it hasn’t begun

It’s a great way to live and hell it sounds like fun

We’re gonna’ follow its lines and learn all the words

So it’s right the second time so there isn’t a third.”

“How do you know?”  The hell with it, I’m going back to, “you just do.”  To my best friend, lover and wife…I wish you happy anniversary.  And I’m so looking forward to the next 16 years.