Help me understand

You have no idea how many times I started to write a blog post about our president. It starts with a paragraph or two, sometimes three, and it gets deleted. I delete it because my intent isn’t to argue with those of you who so adamantly support him.  So, I’m going to make it very simple. The example our president is setting is troubling.

Although I don’t have any historical data to back up my claim, I can say I never saw anything like this in my life time. We have a man in the oval office, who, doesn’t seem to have a clue about what it means to behave as the President of the United States. This has nothing to do with how intelligent he is or isn’t, whether or not he is a good businessman or his past success in branding or television. This is about what I feel it means to be president.

When I was younger something happened that changed the way I look at things. Without mentioning names or details, a pastor at my church was excommunicated and asked to leave. It had to do with a “sin” his wife committed and not him. I questioned why “he” was asked to relinquish his post when he wasn’t the one who committed the “crime”. The head elder of the church said, “If a pastor cannot control his own family then he can’t be expected to lead a congregation.” I found that very odd. It wasn’t his fault, right?

Now, years later, although I still don’t agree with that particular decision, I understand it. There are professions, positions in our society that require a person to be above the fray. I can think of a few examples where it would be appropriate. A parent, teacher, a preacher and yes, a politician must strive to be better than the rest of us. These are positions where setting an example is paramount. Am I right?

If a parent is seen making disparaging comments about someone they are frowned upon. If a teacher makes sexist comments they are reprimanded and sometimes fired. If a preacher is seen as not having control of his own family, he can be excommunicated. Why then, isn’t this president held to the same standard? I’m really trying to understand why people still support him?

My question has nothing to do with our president’s business acumen, his interest in making American great again or his straight talk. It has everything to do with the example he has been presenting to us and the world. If his type of behavior wouldn’t be acceptable in our own communities and homes, why is it okay for our president? If you choose to respond, please don’t disparage me. I’m not seeking hyperbole or “stump” statements about what’s wrong with our country. I’m really trying to understand why some of you are able to rationalize his behavior as acceptable.

Political History & Decorum

I’d be in the living room watching Saturday morning cartoons when I’d hear my Mom and Dad in the kitchen talking about politics. My Mom, very private about her selection process, would infuriate my Dad because she wouldn’t tell him who she planned on voting for. Sometimes those discussions would escalate when my Uncle Jim and sometimes my Uncle Donny would visit and inevitably the “what’s best for the country” discussion would ensue. It was in my mid-teens when I learned my mother was a registered Republican and my father was a registered Democrat. And I admit, I had no idea what either of those things meant. Even with 12 years of education, I felt incredibly unprepared to eventually walk into a polling place and perform what I was taught as an integral part of my duty as a citizen of the United States of America. This was serious business! I didn’t watch much of the news unless my parents were watching and this was long before the advent of the internet so my sources were pretty much limited to what my family said and what I read in the newspapers. But then again, I didn’t read many of those either. That is of course until I graduated high school and started college.

Even though I was born in 1965 I was a child of the 70’s. I grew up hearing the adults in my life talking about the Kent State massacre, the killing of nine hostages and one police officer at the 1972 Munich Olympics, the resignation of President Richard Nixon, the Vietnam war and the fall of Saigon, Jimmy Carter, the death of Elvis, the first test tube baby, Peace in the Middle East between Egypt and Israel, the first non-Italian Pope in over 400 years Pope John Paul II, the Jonestown Massacre, Three Mile Island, Ted Bundy and the Iran Hostage Crisis.  According to all the elders in my life, these were scary times. In 1979 I walked into the halls of Central Columbia High School as a freshman. From there, in 1983, I went to college and my impressionable 80’s education began. Between 1980 and 1984 I read, saw and heard about the eruption of Mount St. Helens, the assassination of John Lennon, the assassination of Anwar Sadat, the identification of the AIDS virus, the assassination of Indira Ghandi and the Soviet Union boycotting the 1984 Olympics. The difference in these informative years that I was no longer relying on biased information from the adults in my life I was getting it on my own. Plus, it was not longer the older folks who would make the decisions that would affect me, it would be me. I remember being genuinely scared I’d make the wrong choice when I voted. There were positive stories that happened between the years 1965 and 1984 too, but even then, fear ruled when it came to the news media. And I had 18 years of it imbedded in my psyche. What do I do when I vote?

Since my 18^th birthday wasn’t until November 29th, 1983 I didn’t have my first chance to vote until 1984.  November 6, 1984 I nervously walked into the polling area by myself and was asked, “Are you a registered Republican or a Democrat?” I remember thinking that was an awfully personal question to ask someone. But I quietly replied, “republican”, and was directed toward a polling station. Republican, what did that even mean? I honestly don’t know why I registered Republican when I was young. I believe it had something to do with the fact that that was what my Mom was. Not that I didn’t love my Dad and respect his choice to be a registered Democrat, but I think early on the mantra, “We must keep the Federal Government out of lives” rang true to me. It was the message that was fed to me by my aunts, uncles and many of the adults who helped shape my belief system. So, when I walked into the polling station on that cold November day I pulled the lever for Ronald Reagan. Truth be told, I could have voted for Walter Mondale too because I knew that was who Dad was voting for but in the end, my conditioning won the battle of my decision.

For the next four years I watched intently at what Ronald Reagan did for our country. I mean here was a guy who was a successful Hollywood actor, Governor and now President who lived through an assassination attempt in 1981! But despite the fact that his awe-inspiring efforts helped dismantle traditional communism, stop the cold war and tear down the Berlin Wall, terrible events continued to occur across the nation and the world. In the late 80’s there was Chernobyl, the Space Shuttle Challenger disaster, the University of Montreal Massacre, the Iran-Contra Scandal, the largest stock market crash in history occurred on “Black Monday, Pan Am flight 103 explodes over Lockerie, Scotland brought down by suspected Lybian terrorists and thousands of protestors were killed on Tienanmen Square in Beijing. Did the decisions President Reagan make help prevent any of those things from happening? Or for that matter, did the decisions of presidents George Herbert Walker Bush, Bill Clinton, George W. Bush or Barak Obama prevent any of the tragic events that occurred in the 90’s, 00’s or 10’s?

Perhaps that’s a stretch. My intent isn’t to begin a debate over presidential decisions that may or may not have had an effect on global or national tragedies and victories, but rather to revisit our past as a way of understanding the decisions we make in the present. I’m not sure exactly when I discovered I had a mind of my own, but when it happened it was enlightening. I suddenly realized that not everything people said about a candidate was true. I realized that issues that were important to me might not necessarily be important to others. And I also came to the realization that regardless of who is President, bad things happen.

I think back often of those political conversations that occurred when I was young, except now when I do I’m able to pull from them an important lesson. When we stop to take the emotion out of the equation many things become clearer. I haven’t thrown away my childhood imprinting but rather used it to mold my own psyche and decision making process. Emotionally my Mom wasn’t able to see things that my Dad thought were vital in the role of government. In the same way my Dad, being too emotional to be rational, never really listened to issues that were important to my Mom. When in truth, if they would have truly listened to each other, they would see they both wanted similar things but had different ways of achieving them. That’s a lesson I learned then and do my best to pass along now.

I’m not even sure why I wrote this entry today. I think it has so much to do with the nastiness I see and hear every day. Heck, I’ve heard it all my life it just that now with the advent of the internet, Facebook and cable news outlets, I’m confronted with it so much more. Sometimes when I read what people write I think, “Wow! That was just an awful thing to say!” Or I say outloud, “Why would they say something like that?” You know the comments I’m referring to. The lashing out that occurs when someone disagrees with a stance another makes on a particular candidate. I reminds me of sitting in a bar watching a football game and seeing two people get into a fist fight over an errant call, a botched play or even over a particular player one of the people detest.  But the presidential primaries aren’t a sporting event. They are not a reality based television show where unabashedly argue on who should get voted out and who should stay in. They are instead about aligning ourselves with the individual who best represents the issues that are important to us. They are about choosing a qualified individual who will represent the Executive Branch of the Federal Government of the United States of America.

My Mom had some good points to make when it came to economics and the role the Federal Government has to play. My Dad had some good points about the social side of things. I’ve taken what they believed, and with my own established belief system, created my own set of credentials and qualifications for the office of President. For me, I take the emotion out of the equation and try my best to be pragmatic when it comes to my choice. I’m now a registered Democrat but I’ve never voted a straight party ticket. I didn’t have the opportunity to caucus for the Republicans in my home state of Kentucky but if I could have I would have been involved. I will however be voting in the Democratic primaries in May and yes I have chosen who I am voting for. And whoever the eventual nominees are, I will make my choice based not on emotions, but rather qualifications that match my set of mandatory credentials.

Unfortunately tragic events happen every year in our nation and world. It is difficult not to get emotional about things. And yes it’s so hard to not get wrapped up in the negative banter that gets thrown at us every day by our friends, family and the media. But rather than getting offended that someone doesn’t believe like we do, or attacking others because they say things that offend us, let’s not get offended at all. It’s not important that everyone agrees with us. I advocate an open forum of positive qualifications for every candidate. And if someone differs from me, that’s okay. Every, and yes I mean every candidate has positive attributes. Since November I’ve listened to all of them and slowly narrowed down my choices. I don’t have to tear down the others to make my choices seem better. Instead, like my mother, what’s important to me is pretty personal. Please, please, please let us all make a concerted effort to raise our level of decorum and not be so defensive when someone chooses a different path. People have had dissenting opinions for centuries. And that in part, is what makes America the greatest country in the world.

I hope this has a point…

“She’s a liberal! That’s why she says those things!”, the man exclaimed on the cable news network. “They all have their head in the sand because they don’t want to hear the truth”, was the follow-up. As I watched and heard this banter my mind went to the word chosen to describe this person. She was labeled a liberal. We’ve been trained how to respond to that word through years of conditioning. If ours is a conservative background our defense mechanism kicks in and we already discount any logical points raised in the discussion by this person. If we’ve been indoctrinated with a liberal education we tend to take what this liberal person says without question. Growing up in a household with a republican mother and a democratic father I’ve been exposed to both. Are there always two sides to everything? Or could there be many ways to see things? The news commentator said this liberal didn’t want to hear the truth. Politicians, Legal professionals, Educators and Religious speakers love that word. But whose truth are we talking about? I decided to get some literal definitions of these words and see if I can make some sense out of this.

Let’s look at the word liberal in Merriam-Webster’s dictionary.

1. Of, relating to, or based on the liberal arts
2. Marked by generosity; given or provided in a generous, open-handed way
3. Lacking moral restraint obsolete
4. Not literal or strict.
5. Broad-minded; especially: not bound by authoritarianism, orthodoxy, or traditional forms.
6. Of, favoring, or based upon the principles of liberalism; Capitalized: of or constituting a political party advocating or associated with the principles of political liberalism.

Here’s Merriam-Webster’s definition of truth.

1. Sincerity in action or character,
2. The state of being the case, the body of real things, events and facts, a transcendent fundamental of spiritual reality, a judgment, proposition, or idea that is true or accepted as true, the body of true statements and propositions,
3. The property of being in accord with fact or reality, fidelity to an original or to a standard,
4. In accordance with fact.

As I suspected these two words have many different meanings. And depending who’s saying them, where they are said, and how they are uttered can make all the difference. Human beings have the gift of speech. Words can be beautiful and be uplifting and loving avenues that lead to positive outcomes. But they can also be hurtful, disconcerting, evil and deceiving. We tend to use words to label others. We put people into a category using words that are aligned with our belief system. A belief system that automatically puts us at odds with anything that questions those beliefs. I’m labeled a compassionate, loving man by some, and others an unrealistic dreamer who doesn’t live in the real world. When people ask me questions about what I think or feel it takes me a long time to answer. I don’t like labeling myself because as soon as I say a word, people automatically have a opinion based on their truth. I do it too. And I don’t like the fact that my brain categorizes in that way. So I’ve challenged myself to stop labeling people. I’m going to choose my words carefully. If I know a person I’m speaking too has a different belief system from me, I will simply say, “you may not want to hear what I think on that matter.” If they press me, I will say, “I will tell you, but realize I am not attacking you in any way. It’s okay that we don’t see eye to eye on all things.” What I will not do is label myself by a politcal party or religious affiliation.

When asked if I am proud to be an American I quote my mother when she used to say, “pride commeth before the fall.” It’s a genuine human emotion to feel a sense of accomplishment or to feel good about people who achieve great things. But if that feeling separates us from other human beings than I say it isn’t good. Yes, I was born and reside in America so therefore I am an American. But being an American doesn’t make me any better than any other human being with a different nationality.

Even now I’m sure if one of you is reading this you already have an opinion about my beliefs and have, in your own way, labeled me. I understand because our minds always try to make sense out of things that are either different than us or question our belief system. But I truly feel the problems in the world today are human problems. Too long we’ve used words to categorize people, who in many ways are just like us. But because they don’t talk like us, look like us, behave like us, believe like us and act like us we discount them. And that’s just not a nice thing to do.

As a baby we are open to all. In in a few short years we are taught what is good and what is bad. As we get older we are taught who to listen to and who not to listen too. And most times, but not always, we carry those rules into adulthood. And because of that, we must be careful what words we use and what labels we apply to people. Because like us, other people have a belief system too.

Alright, back to our liberal who doesn’t know the truth in the beginning of this short essay. She was indoctrinated with a belief system and it is her choice to feels. The same goes for the news anchor who feels a different way. The truth that is spoken is also relative. And it is obvious that both of their truths are different. So when this impasse is reached we must seek out facts. Things the are indisputable. Are their such things?

Perhaps it’s a good idea for all human beings to install a fact checker on ourselves. When I did it to myself I quickly found out that many of my beliefs were just that; beliefs. They weren’t based on indisputable fact but rather years of conditioning. That doesn’t mean they are false because they are very true to me but what is fact?

I am human. I am male. I am flawed. I love. These facts can be proven by scientific fact or by my actions. As far as my beliefs go…well, I’ll gladly share those beliefs with you if asked.

Ancestry (I added a new fact)

I love working on my ancestry. I’ve been doing it for years now. It’s always so exciting when I find out something new about one of my relatives. Well, it’s exciting when it isn’t a living relative who just passed away. Recently my Aunt Marsha (my dad’s sister) passed away and I entered that date into my family tree. And now this morning, My Great Aunt Myrtle left this earth after nearly 100 years.  We were all really wishing she would make to her 100th birthday but she was 2 days short.  She was born August 3rd 1015, the third child to Samuel Kemp Jr. and Elva Weiss. Somewhere in my genealogy records I have a recording of a phone interview I did with Aunt Myrtle many years ago. I believe it was in 2006 when she was a mere 91 years of age. I had questions about her father and her grandfather Samuel Kemp Sr. who came to this country from England in 1882.  She was incredibly forthright and told me all she could remember about her childhood and being raised in the little town of Lime Ridge, Pennsylvania.  It was a wonderful addition to all the factual information I’d compiled. And I was very thankful.

Now I sit here having just entered the date of her passing in my family tree and I’m a little sad. I hadn’t seen her since a big 95th birthday celebration back in Pennsylvania in 2010 but I’ve been able to follow all her family visits via social media. I’d like to thank all my cousins who were able to spend time with her over the past few years. I know you made her last years on this earth very special!

Almost 100 years! Can you even imagine living that long? Aunt Myrtle, way to go on living such a vibrant long life! I was hoping to see you on your 100th, but I know you did the best you could! 🙂 Thanks for being a part of my life! I’ll cherish your memories forever.

Your great nephew,

Paul

Passionate education

A theatre friend of mine recently asked the question, “Is it reasonable to compare performing with a Community Theatre, for a student, to sports or band activities?” My initial reaction was, “Of course!” And yes, it is certainly reasonable to compare the two. That lead me to read numerous journals and articles written on the positives and negatives of extracurricular activities for our children. And I realized what I was doing was looking for information that would support my argument that theatre is better. And I don’t want to be ‘that guy’ that disses sports.

I was a sports kid. Yep, even though I’m a professional actor I played a lot of sports in my childhood. Even when I wasn’t playing little league baseball, I was involved in ‘sandlot’ kick ball, football, and basketball. I was never very good any of them but I enjoyed spending time with other kids. In my organized sports activities I loved being part of ‘the team’. I will admit there were times I felt bad because I wasn’t as good as the other kids but I realize now I probably could have been better if I enjoyed it more. I find as an adult I tend to put more time into learning things I’m interested in. If I loved sports, like so many wonderful children do, I know I’d have put more time into getting better. But I didn’t, and that’s okay!

Did I learn anything from sports? Well, being part of a team was wonderful. I felt included and it definitely helped me improve my interpersonal communication skills. But I always felt like an outsider there. And it’s because I think deep down I never really wanted to be there. I was doing it because my parents felt it was good for me. They wanted be to follow in the footsteps of my siblings who played sports and were good at it. But it just wasn’t me. When I hit college I started playing volleyball and had a blast. Finally a sport I enjoyed and didn’t feel like I couldn’t do adequately. I worked hard at improving my skills and felt a sense of pride at my accomplishments. But I know now it was because I enjoyed it so much! That reinforces my belief if you want to learn something you will. And I did. It also didn’t hurt that most of my team mates were actors and singers like me. There was no pressure to fit in or play any kind of needless social game. And even though we liked to win our matches, it wasn’t necessarily the reason we played. We played because we enjoyed it. We played because it was fun. It was also quite a great workout! I realized as I re-read what I wrote I haven’t really answered the question of whether or not I learned anything from sports. I did learn things from sports. I learned how to work as a team. I learned how some people are athletically gifted and others are not. I learned it’s okay not to be good at some things. And unfortunately, I learned how too much competitiveness can be a very bad thing. I watched parents, mine included, get so emotionally involved with winning that they shouted, jeered and ridiculed other players and coaches. I learned in life, there are winners and there are losers. Now, I’m not saying this is true for all parents and their children, I’m just noting my experience. There are incredible parents and coaches out there and do sports because of the joy it brings to the kids. They are taught, just because your team loses, doesn’t mean you are a loser. If your team wins doesn’t give you latitude to boast about your accomplishments to demean the other team. They are taught to be better individually both on and off the field. And as a teaching tool, there’s where having your kids involved in sports really shines. And it’s also where having your kids involved in theatre really shines too.

Competition can be so detrimental to society. Yes, it can be a driving force for advancement in many walks of life but it can also breed so much negativity. As a professional actor I compete for roles every day of my life. And even in school, children compete for roles in productions. Some get in, others do not. But what I really like about theatre is the number of areas children can get involved. Like sports, some children have innate skills that make it easier for them to excel. Other children must work at it to get better. But unlike children’s sports, theatre offers many other options. Perhaps a children really wants to be involved in theatre but doesn’t sing. Well then, they may be able to dance well. If they don’t dance well perhaps they have the natural ability to act. If a child wants to be involved in theatre but doesn’t act, sing or dance well they can be involved in the technical side. They can learn, costuming, set building, lighting, sound, and if they have incredible organizational capabilities they may be able to stage manage or even co-direct a show. That way they can do what they love, and be involved in putting together a great show. That is the one thing I love about getting children involved in theatre. Everyone can be included and work toward a common goal because in theatre no one is more important than the other. Without the “whole” there is no end result.

I have friends who loved both sports and theatre. Even in school some of them attacked both with equal fervor. I was always impressed with that passion. I love watching sports but I never really had the passion for it. I did my first play when I was in first grade and it was such a wonderful experience. But my performing in my first 14 or so years was playing my guitar and singing with my family’s bands and in church. It wasn’t until I finally gave up sports that I started really working toward something I love; theatre.

For the past week or so I’ve had the privilege of working with a young boy who was in our ensemble of my current production “Footloose”. I was behind the theatre one night and I met his mother and she said, “Oh, you’re Paul? He talks about you all the time and says you’re real nice.” Now, realize that this boy has done eight performances of this show and it’s quite a commitment for a child. She went on to say, “He can’t wait to come sing and dance every night! He really loves it”. I left the theatre feeling blessed to have been even a small part of his experience. I know there are stories like that in sports too. That just wasn’t my experience.

I know kids can learn a lot from both sports and theatre but we have to be careful not to pressure them in either direction. Perhaps children won’t like either. And in my experience, if they don’t really like it, if that really isn’t what their passion is, then they won’t work very hard at getting better. Now, if someone is better than you and that inspires you to work hard and improve yourself than that’s a good thing. But with competition, children have to be taught that winning or losing doesn’t define them. So is it fair to compare children in sports and children in theatre? Well, I guess we’d have to ask the children themselves. In my experience there are positives and negatives of both. But I really think it depends on where the child’s passion lies.

Be Nice

My heart hurts sometimes. I will never truly understand why some human beings feel the need to say horrible things about other human beings. I’m sure the right person could find psychological reasons why it happens. But all I can think of is, “can’t we just be nice to each other despite our differences?”

“Be Nice”, my mother would say as she caught me arguing with a friend over a toy. “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”, she’d calmly exclaim as she overheard me saying negative things about others. And of course my Mom could always be heard saying, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” I was sitting here today, thinking about being nice, what I say, and how I treat others and I’ve been reflecting on those things Mom told me. When she said ‘be nice’ I’m not always sure she meant, BE nice. Usually it was a reprimand whose intent was to stop me from acting up. When she talked about ‘not having anything nice to say’, that comment too was intended to stop me from spouting negative comments about a person. I’m not saying she didn’t say those things out of love but her words were said more as punishment than teaching. Or was it? We have to be very careful not only with the words we say but how we say them. I’m not sure I really heard her when she repeated those words to me over and over. They were usually accompanied by a stern look, a wagging of the finger, and possibly a crossing of the arms. That meant I was in trouble. Did those words have a positive effect on me or a negative one? Well the fact that some 40+ years later I’m still thinking about them certainly lends credence to the fact they had an impact on me. I’m sure when she said ‘be nice’ she was feeling ‘why is he acting like that? I didn’t raise him to be mean. Oh, isn’t that disappointing.’ When she said, ‘if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all’ she was probably thinking, ‘now why would he say such a thing? Why is he being that way? I didn’t raise him like that.’ At least that’s what I think she might have been feeling and thinking. That’s the way I interpreted it anyway. So in my mind, I disappointed her over and over again. Every time she said those words to me I felt like I couldn’t do anything right. I think it was a situation where her words didn’t necessarily match her behavior or emotions at the time. It took many years to understand my Mom just wanted me to be good, kind, humble, giving and thoughtful. And what I learned is no amount of meaningful reprimands from her could teach me that. But she did with her own actions. The one sentence that truly hit home with me was, ‘do unto others as you would have them do unto you.’ That one made sense to my 10 year old mind and it still does today because it involves our “selves”. We do not want to be treated badly so why would we do that to other people. We know how we feel when someone says bad things to us why would we want to make others feel bad. But my Mom didn’t need to say those words, she lived them every day. Oh, there is another lesson mom repeated over the years, ‘actions speak louder than words’. And her actions taught me everything I needed to know about kindness, humility, charity and thoughtfulness.

So what is the moral of this story? Well, to use another one of my Mom’s sayings, “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” Those words never really made me feel better when I heard them but I know she meant well. I’m sure she was hurt when I was hurt and sometimes we don’t know how to help the ones we love. The truth is words can’t hurt us. But the intent, the actions, the emotions and the behavior accompanying them can. Sometimes even when we think we’re saying something nice our mannerisms can be perceived as something completely different. It’s a lot to think about when we are having a conversation with someone. Occasionally it’s best not to say anything at all. Especially if what you are planning on saying doesn’t match what’s in your heart. People can tell.

I think all of this is coming up now because I’m playing a troubled a Reverend in my current production whose actions do not match his words. My character doesn’t even believe what he is saying even though he expects others to do so. And I think that’s true for a lot us sometimes. Which is why now I’m making a concerted effort to try to match my behavior with my words. And never, ever do I want to say anything to purposefully hurt someone else. I want to make all my words positive and never negative. I truly think that’s what it means to ‘be nice’, to hear the words ‘if you don’t have don’t anything nice to say don’t say anything at all’, and putting into practice ‘treating others as you want to be treated.  Which is why now I truly understand another thing Mom used to say.  When I’d ask her she was doing or feeling she’d sometimes laugh and say, “I’m a work in progress.”  Me too Mom…me too.

Occupations

A couple of months agoI saw a report that unemployment is below 8 percent here in the United States.  According to experts that is still too high but the good news is the percentage keeps dropping.  And as often happens with me, that started a morning of researching employment in history.  Why do people do what they do?  Were there always jobs that people were paid to do?

The internet is full of scholarly articles on ancient occupations.  Since the beginning of time a person would discover an innate talent and they would use that talent to their benefit.  Some people were hunters.  Others were gatherers.  As issues arose in a tribe or group of people, solutions were created by the thinkers; problem solvers.  There were the artisans that created clothes, useful household items, even art.  And even though times were tough it seemed that people were using their talents to survive.  And yes, there were entertainers back then too!  It seems there were always those danced, sang and made people laugh.

No, this isn’t one of those posts about me loving what I do.  But it does contain my thoughts on how our society has changed.  I watch my news feed on Facebook and for the most part I see my friends and acquaintances dissatisfied with what they do for a living.  I had a boss tell me a long time ago, “If you wake up in the morning with a huge pit in your stomach caused by the thought of going into work, them maybe this isn’t what you are supposed to be doing.”  I’ve carried that with me over the years and I believe it still rings true.  I’ve been there, doing jobs that weren’t fulfilling just to make a paycheck.  And I agree, it’s not fun.  But what can we do?

Often over the years I’ve seen work doing by friends who have great talent.  A miserable businessman who makes incredible carpentry work on the side, a salesman who paints incredible pictures, even a computer guy who is a wonderful musician.  Well, the list goes on.  And I often say, “Wow, why don’t you do “that” for a living?”  The reply often sounds like, “Well, I certainly love to do “that” but how will I make enough money to live?”  Maybe I’m incredibly naive but I can’t see just doing something for a living because we need money to live.  We spend the majority of our 24 hours in a day working.  Doesn’t it make sense to doing something we love doing so it doesn’t feel like work?  Yes, there are hobbies that people enjoy on the side but wouldn’t it be cool if we could somehow turn that into a profession?

I’m not saying it’s easy but I know it can be done.  It makes my heart sink to see so many unhappy friends and family members doing things that don’t make them happy.  Yes, there are times we all have to do things we don’t necessarily like to do.  I’m sure even the basket weavers had to do things they didn’t want to do back in the day, but they were still basket weavers.

Did you ever get lost in something?  Did you ever get so caught up in writing, building, drawing, sewing, singing, or playing that time sped by so quickly you didn’t even realize it?  Whatever causes you to do that is a good sign that is something you love.  It’s a wonderful way to live doing what one loves.  I was just talking to a cast mate last night about a family I know who travel the country selling tie dyed clothing at music festivals.  And they love doing it.  What do you love doing?  🙂

Where The Green Grass Grows

I thoroughly enjoy strolling through cemeteries.  The older the graveyard the better!  As an amateur genealogist I get a true thrill finding one of my ancestors tombstone.  Like this one for instance:

It’s the tombstone of Josiah Bartlett, one of my 3rd Great Grandfathers on my mother’s side of the family.  After years of searching I found him in the Painted Hills section of Western New York.  I even located the piece of land he purchased in the 1850’s.  And the house he built is still there.  All cool stuff.  But there is one family member’s grave I haven’t been able to locate.  My 7th Great Grandfather, John Hamton.  He was a Scottish Quaker who came to this country in 1683.

On one of my many visits to New Jersey I visited a church in Freehold and saw many old gravestones.  One in particular gravestone caught my eye.

It said, “Here lieth the body of Katherin Barclay…wife of John Barclay”.  In my research I uncovered original ship manifests that listed a man named Robert Barclay who came  here with my 7th Great Grandfather John Hamton in 1683.  Could John Barclay be a brother or son of Robert Barclay?  I was told by a local that this is not the original location of these tombstones.  They were brought to this location to preserve them.  The original location was the Topanemus Cemetery.

I was given terrible directions and spent the next several hours with my wife, searching for the site.  While traveling through development after development, I finally got some good directions from a man walking his dog.  “Drive back down this road”, he said, “and turn right on to Topanemus Road.  Look for the blue sign.”  After a few minutes we finally found it.

 The gravesite is precariously positioned between two condo communities in a small patch of woods.  My wife and I parked the car, walked back this muddy trail, and came upon a sign bearing the name of many of the buried, and the history of Topanemus.  We walked a bit further until we saw a large  patch of green amid the grey leaf swept forest ground.

This was it.  This was the old Topanemus burial ground established around 1692.  I searched gravestone after gravestone and was disheartened by the vandalism and decay.  Many of the tombstones had been saved and taken to the Episcopal Church in Freehold, but a few still remained.  But I could not find John Hampton (1640-1702).  I’m convinced however, that this is where he is…somewhere.  The only record of who was buried here was taken by Rev. Frank Symmes who wrote the “History of Old Tennent”.  A description on the sign leading up to the gravesite says the following:

The names on the list of people buried there, including John Reid who accompanied John Hamton (1640-1702) to the New World leads me to believe that my 7th Great Grandfather John Hamton is buried there too.  Can I prove it?  Well I could write a well researched argument defining my reason for believing he’s resting here but ultimately I cannot.  But I do live finding old cemeteries.  I especially like them when one of your ancestors could possibly be buried there.

My Best Friend

“How do I know if she’s the one”, he asked?  I replied earnestly, “Can you imagine a day without her?”  An interaction I’ve had with several people over the years.  My “can you imagine” question was created basically as a way to change my typical “you just do” answer.  The latter always seemed to precipitate a groan from the person.  But it is so true.  I can’t explain it.  That night over 16 years ago when I first saw her was unlike anything I ever experienced.  It was very different.  I just knew.  Even then I couldn’t imagine a day with her.  And tomorrow after celebrating 16 years of marriage I still can’t imagine it.

Because we both follow our hearts and do what we love to do, we spend several months a year away from each other.  But honestly, that’s only our physicalness (I know that’s not a word).  She’s always with me.  And I’m always with her.  There’s a support system in place that supersedes everything else.  We’re each other’s best friend and that is important.  When we do get that chance to spend time together, it’s even more special.  And honestly, it’s just being her presence that fills my spirit.

My best friend just came to spend some time with me and, as always, we had a wonderful time together.  That beautiful, familiar face smiled at me and that non-spoken connection flourished.  And it is a connection.  When we met, and we married 4 months later, many naysayers balked.  So in response I wrote a song.  And the chorus still rings true.

“Do what you do.  Not, what “they” say

Stop looking for love, it’ll come your way

Like a powerful storm, without warning it strikes

Filling your heart with its glorious might.”

My best friend and I even wrote a song together.  We’d both been married before and this time, the 2nd time, it would be the one.  The lyrics were a road map…

“This story is true, yet it hasn’t begun

It’s a great way to live and hell it sounds like fun

We’re gonna’ follow its lines and learn all the words

So it’s right the second time so there isn’t a third.”

“How do you know?”  The hell with it, I’m going back to, “you just do.”  To my best friend, lover and wife…I wish you happy anniversary.  And I’m so looking forward to the next 16 years.

 

Family Legend

Are we predisposed to behave in a particular way?  Since beginning my genealogical journey many years ago that question has arisen many times.  In part because so many of my ancestors were vagabonds.  They were individuals who traveled from place to place without ever planting their roots too long in one place.  I’m like that too.  And unlike a lot of genealogists, I was satisfied to just trace my surname and my mother’s maiden name, I wanted to trace all the surnames of my maternal and paternal grandparents going back as far as I could.  And the book I’m writing on the matter is a work still in progress.  Here’s a little snippet:

“I just couldn’t do it.  I spend hours each week scanning documents online searching for records of our ancestors and I watch what other amateur genealogists do.  If their father’s name was say Miller, they take that name and trace it backwards as far as they can go.  They also take every single Miller branch and see where “it” goes.  And when I took over the family genealogy I just couldn’t spend all that time on one name or line as it’s called.  I wanted to find information about all our ‘direct’ ancestors.  By ‘direct’ I simply mean all of our grandfathers and grandmothers.  Besides, others in my family had already done a lot of research on my Mom’s maiden name Hampton.  It’s one of our lines that has been checked, verified and proven for the most part.  And my mom’s mom, my grandmother, her maiden name was Gensil.  Now there was a line that hadn’t been researched too far back.  No, wait, yes it had.  Another family historian had done a lot of research and sent it to me.  O.K., I can certainly look at this new data and go about checking, verifying and proving as much of it as I can.  Well thanks to a distant relative and my own research, that’s been done too.  That’s one of the reasons I’ve chosen to do our genealogy as I have….I do believe it’s important to know where we come from.  If it’s true that you and I are genetically predisposed to act a certain way, then perhaps their lives can add some insight into our own”

There’s one ancestor in particular that I found incredibly interesting.  His name is Hans Hansen Bergen and he’s my 9th Great Grandfather.  He was one of the earliest settlers on what is now New York City, then called New Amsterdam.  There’s a wonderful family legend about him that was shared in the history book, “The Bergen Family” by Teunis Bergen, published in 1876.  It says:

“There’s a tradition in the family, which probably may have some foundation, that Hansen while engaged in the cultivation of his plantation, was chased by the Indians, when for safety he took refuge in a tree, where they soon discovered him.  Supposing his end to be near, he commenced singing in a melodious voice, with which he was blessed, the hymn with commences with “In mijn grootste nood o’ Heere.” (In my greatest need O Lord).  His singing so charmed is pursuers, that after listening for some time in delight, they left him unmolested and free to go on his way rejoicing; thus proving the words of Congreve in the play “The Mourning Bride”, “Music hath charms to soothe the savage beast.”  

I love that quote from the book.  Perhaps I carry some of my 9th Great Grandfathers musical genes which may be why I sing and love music?  There are other examples too where I see myself in my ancestors.  Or to be more accurate, I see them in me.  I encourage you to take some time and delve in to your family history.  It just might shine some light on who you are too!